I was starting to have difficulty sleeping again. It was bringing back bad memories. On more than one occasion, I would have a nightmare about having to tell Molly what I did to her, only this time she knew, but just didn’t want to hear it. I would wake up angry at myself, and until the haze of sleepiness wore off, I would get no less angry.
It was only two days after my encounter with Molly in the bathroom. I was up late, getting myself a snack, and Chris and Jerome were probably in the living room doing something or other, as usual.
I opened the fridge, eyeing some leftovers, sighing as I took it out. Microwaving was for the weak, real men just eat things cold. I set the tupperware on the table and saw Chris coming into the room.
“Yo.” I casually greeted him.
“Hi, Aaron.” he greeted me, almost nervously. “Can we talk about something?”
“Sure.” I nodded, sitting down. “Is Jerome in the other room? Sounds like you want to talk about something private.”
“Jerome isn’t here tonight.” Chris replied.
“Oh.” I responded, nodding. “Wait, hold up, he lives here. Why isn’t he-”
Chris held up a hand in front of his face, his expression serious. I don’t know what made me do it, but I shut up on the spot.
“I just need to ask you about something real quick.” Chris clarified, his tone more serious yet more nervous.
“Uh, yeah.” I replied, getting as nervous as him. “What’s up?”
“So, you’re having sex with Molly, right?” he asked, bluntly as he could.
I choked on a piece of food I was eating. Stupid me forgot that him hearing was even a possibility. “Uh, yeah.” I replied, figuring I should match his bluntness.
Chris sighed and ran his hands over his head, through his hair. “How long?”
“I haven’t been keeping track, but that wasn’t our first time.” I replied uneasily.
“I could tell.” Chris replied with a half-laugh. “If that was your first go, you… it sounded like you were just having sex in the hallway, or at least with her door open.”
“In the washroom, actually.” I corrected him. “Door open, though.”
“Great, love that for you.” Chris responded angrily, eyes shut in irritated concentration. “But why the hell are you – well, I suppose I know why, but I figured…”
“Are you disappointed in me?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” he replied, almost hopelessly. “I just really don’t know. I don’t know a damn thing about what’s going on here.”
I laughed. “Yeah, me too.”
“Then fucking stop doing it!” Chris replied desperately. “I’ll accept, granted, guilty, I have no clue what’s going on. But this can’t be good. For her, for you…”
“It’s consensual.” I attempted to clarify.
Chris glared at me. “In 99% of cases that wouldn’t really change anything but I suppose that’s a step up for you.” He immediately brought his hands to his temples and squeezed his eyes shut. “Sorry. Old you. Sorry, I’m just… the word is ‘scared,’ Aaron. I don’t like that situations like this keep happening, and under our roof, and… she’s such an innocent girl, Aaron. She’s naive, that’s what she is. She’s naive. She’s just going to keep making mistakes like this if you let her.”
“Molly wants to make mistakes on her own terms and experience fucking up for herself.” I interjected.
Chris gave me a sour look. “That better not be an excuse for why you’re fucking her when you know that’s not what she needs.”
“No, but that’s why she does it anyway, and I’m a sexually starved creature that has a huge crush on her. That’s why I do it anyway too. It’s all well and good to judge from your ivory tower, but what we do is absolutely irrational. It’s hormones, it’s urges.” I frantically told him, hands waving. “That’s all that it was behind this. We resolved our differences, then discovered we still wanted each other. In a weird sort of way.”
“But you know you should stop, right?” he asked me, with a tone of hopefulness.
“We did stop, actually.”
“So what happened?”
“Hormones happened.” I replied with a sad snicker. “We kept eyeing each other, getting hornier for each other, and then… that’s exactly why the bathroom incident happened.”
“Well then… you…” Chris slumped down in his chair. “I dunno.” he eventually said sadly. “But like, just accept that looking at this rationally, you have to stop.”
I nodded. “I was the first one to suggest we stop having sex.”
He nodded in turn. “I think I can believe that.”
“Rationally, it makes sense. Realistically, we’re not going to stop.” I told him, standing up and putting my tupperware back in the fridge.
He motioned to the fridge. “You didn’t even touch your food.”
“I’m not hungry anymore.” I told him. “I get that you’re right. There’s nothing you’re telling me I haven’t told myself these past few days. But I’ve seen the patterns, it’s stupid to be in denial. Fucked-up shit is happening. I’m trying to grow through it, not pretend it won’t ever happen again.”
“Sometimes walking away from it is the most mature thing you can do, Aaron.” Chris pressured me. “It’s not going to be the end of the world. You have other things going on in your life.”
I chuckled. “You know, sometimes it doesn’t feel like that.” I admitted. “It’s like, yeah, other things are happening, but this is at the front of the stage, in the spotlight or something. Even when doing other stuff or seeing other people, it’s like, everything seems to be about her, even when it’s not. It feels like this is the most important thing in my life, and it feels cowardly to run away and leave that of all things behind.”
“I get that, but as long as you keep spending time and energy only there, especially emotional energy, you’re only trapping yourself in that cycle.” Chris pointed out. “Wanna come to movie night tomorrow night?”
“Gee, all the way in the living room? I dunno if I can make the drive.” I joked.
Chris smiled in response, and stood up. “Your call, sweetie. But we’d really like to see you there. And no offense, but…” He pointed downstairs. “You know this has to stop too.”
“Yeah.” I gingerly admitted as he walked up to his room. “Aren’t you going to wait for Jerome to get back?”
“Jerome isn’t coming back tonight.” Chris replied flatly.
“Oh. Spending the night out with friends, or…?”
“I, uh, don’t really want to talk about it.” Chris replied, trying to keep his tone even, not looking back at me as he went up the stairs. I felt too awkward to do anything but stare at him.
It was a nice thought on paper that Molly and I could just avoid each other and our situation while we were living under the same roof, but it clearly didn’t work out. Molly and I were fairly polite to each other, smiling at each other if we ever saw each other in the kitchen or something, but we each had noticeably less to say to each other. Whenever we did have something to say, the conversation was cut short.
It was as if the two of us were carrying a great secret. Not from anyone in particular, just keep a secret from the audible world, trying as hard as possible not to acknowledge it.
Until we had to acknowledge it. Occasionally, one of us would feel a flash of weakness, and as if the universe was goading us, when one of us felt the weakness, it usually meant the other was feeling that same weakness. One of us would knock on the other’s door and the conversation would always be the same, albeit with the roles being reversed from time to time.
“Hey. What’s up?”
“I’m feeling weak. What about you?”
“Yeah. Come in.”
If I was trying to look for positives in this situation, I at least had one – I was no longer afraid to kiss Molly on the mouth. In fact, I enjoyed it. As soon as she allowed me to come in, I would grab the back of her head, grip her hair lightly, and tilt her head back as our mouths connected.
Our kisses were so full of passion. Not love, just passion, but I had accepted that fact, that ship had sailed. Whenever we admitted our weaknesses to each other, it was like our urges doubled. And each time felt like the first time we kissed, even if in the back of my head, I maybe would have wanted more.
“Oh, Aaron…” Molly moaned as my kisses moved down to her neck. “You’re such a horndog. You can’t keep your hands off me for even a day.”
“You’re the same way.” I breathed between kisses. “You’re such a slave to your urges. You’re such a slut.”
“You turned me into a slut, you monster.” Molly fired back, scowling and freeing my dick from my pants. “I don’t know how you live with yourself.” She sank down to her knees and took me into her mouth.
“If it bothers you so much, leave me, tell me to stop right now. If you love it, and want to continue being an impure dirty whore, keep sucking.” Molly’s eyes stared daggers into me as she attempted to get more and more of me into her mouth. “That’s what I thought.” I grinned as she kept sucking.
It wasn’t just the feeling of Molly’s warm, wet, eager mouth on me that made me feel so good… and so powerful. It was her subservience. I could tell her to move across the country with me and wait a day or two, and she’d crumble. In a less hazy state of mind it would have been worrying, but here and now, it was empowering. It was sexy. It was hot.
Eventually her mouth let go of me and she ran to her bed, ditching her clothes as if they were on fire. I’d follow suit, dashing to get a condom and roll it on, then winking at her to let her know I was ready.
She responded by grinning and turning around, getting on all fours and wiggling her cute butt at me. “Let’s try this position today.” she almost pleaded.
“Gladly.” I replied, just as wanting, as I got up behind her and lined up my cokc with her inviting pussy. Her womanhood was nearly pulsating with excitement as I effortlessly slid in, guided by her wetness.
“Ohhhh Godddd…” Molly moaned as I wrapped a hand around her neck from behind and began to choke her. “You’re so brutal.”
“You like being used like this, don’t fucking lie to me.” I replied, spanking her with my free hand as my hips worked their magic and I picked up speed.
“I fucking hate you, Aaron. You’re the fucking worst.” Molly grunted between moans.
“I hate you too.” I replied, neither of us caring in the moment about what we were saying. “I wish you’d just fucking disappear.”
“That would solve so many problems for both of us, wouldn’t it?” Molly asked me, amongst our fucking. “Do you really wish I would just disappear, Aaron?”
“Hell fucking no.” I replied, spanking her again, earning and ‘unh’ from her. “If you were gone, I’d need to find a new cocksleeve, and no one feels as good as you.”
“And no cock feels as good as yours, Aaron. No one ever comes close, you fucking pig.” Molly moaned.
My brow furrowed. That was a new development. Never slowing my pace, never letting her know my concern, I asked her, “Oh yeah? Are you fucking other guys, Molly?” My voice was full of fake enjoyment and lust, doing my best job at acting.
“I’m dabbling.” Molly panted. “A few guys every once in a while. I can’t help it. I’m becoming such a little slut, Aaron.” she cooed.
Fucking gross. My mind worked at a million miles an hour, trying to figure out a way to stop this but not ruin the moment. “Did I fucking say you could ride other cocks, Molly?” I asked, spanking her especially hard.
“Ahh!” she yelped out in pain. “I didn’t realize I had to ask you, you horrible man.”
“Well now you know.” I roared, my voice full of confidence. “No fucking random guys. I won’t have my Molly fucking random fuckboys on campus. And if I catch you again, I’ll need to punish you, and you won’t like that. Is that understood?”
I held my breath, still pumping in and out of her, as I awaited her response. Finally, I felt her arching back cave. “Yes, sir.” Molly obediently replied.
“And don’t worry. I’ll be sure to fulfill all of your desires.” I replied as I slammed myself fully inside her to prove my point. “And every hole.”
Molly moaned as the bed rocked and I continued to fuck her. I could only hope she wouldn’t notice that from this point forward, my heart was decidedly not in it.
Silence practically echoed through the room as I let the words sink in. “Other guys.” I repeated, mostly to myself. “I dunno how many. One? Two? Seventeen? I can’t even bring myself to ask her. Thank God we wore condoms every time we did it.” I paused. “Wait, every time but one. Aw, crap.”
Mira wrote some notes down. “Do you need the contact info for the sexual health clinic?”
“Nah, I’m good. They basically know me by name there anyway.” I replied. “I’m just… haaaaaa.” I sighed angrily. “This is because I didn’t cut her off, huh?”
“It’s impossible to know exactly what decisions lead to what until events play out.” she told me. “Hindsight is twenty-twenty.”
“I suppose, but you did tell me to do this before, and I didn’t listen.” I pouted.
“I understand that talking about it and doing it are two different things.” Mira soothed me. “And you said you did bring it up to her, and she was the one to say it wouldn’t help.”
I nodded. “Doesn’t mean she was right.” I admitted.
“No, it doesn’t.” Mira agreed.
“Do you think I did the right thing?” I asked her abruptly.
Mira smiled at me patiently. “We discussed a lot of things you did today. Which action are you referring to?”
“When I demanded she doesn’t sleep with anyone but me.” I clarified.
Mira moved her mouth to the side in thought. “Well, as you pointed out, a lot of what you said during that encounter was a form of banter. You also said you hat-”
“Yes, I remember that.” I replied instinctively, shutting my eyes in disgust at myself.
“And clearly you deeply regret saying that. Also, you clearly don’t believe it.” she observed. “So, there’s nothing that tells either of us that she believes, or has committed to, anything she said during your encounter. Including her promise not to sleep around. Perhaps it would be worth it to follow up with her afterwards.” She wrote something down on her paper. “Especially since you pride yourself on openly and bluntly communicating with her.”
“Yeah, maybe.” I conceded, slumping down in my chair again.
“Not to mention, there are many angles to this.” Mira continued. “It’s probably for the best to make sure she doesn’t sleep around with strangers, but she never said if they were strangers or trusted friends she’s having healthy sexual relationships with. And in your position, telling her who she can or can’t have sex with can also be damaging. Ultimately, I think you need to recommend she see a counselor too. Counselors are equipped to help people through situations like hers as long as they know her full story. I can only know what you tell me, filtered through your perspective, and you can only act on your best judgment.”
“It sure seems like a lot of psychology is just saying, ‘I don’t know, give me more information.’” I pointed out.
Mira laughed. “Yup, a lot of the time it is exactly like that.” she replied. “There’s no such thing as objectivity in psychology, or in the human mind. All we can do is guesswork. But it sure helps to have training for that guesswork. Plus, sometimes it’s nice to just tell someone everything.”
“Yeah, it is nice.” I nodded.
“Is everything else going well? Any updates from your family?”
“Haven’t spoken to dad at all, which as far as I’m concerned is good news.” I admitted.
“Okay, we can leave that be then.” Mira added diplomatically. “And what about your suicidal thoughts?”
I thought for a bit. “Nothing new to report.” I replied. “No new thoughts, actually. That’s kinda nice.”
“It is.” Mira replied, smiling. “Would you like to make an appointment for next week?”
“Sure, why not.” I shrugged. “Same time, Tuesday?”
“I can work with that.” she nodded, writing a few more notes down. “Thank you, Aaron. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Talk to you soon.” I replied, standing up and walking out without another word. At first, going to counseling felt weird, but I had to admit, it felt like genuine progress was being made. I mean, I was turning Molly into an animal and the world was falling apart around me, but without this I definitely would have been dealing with it a lot worse than I have been, and that was nice.
Chris, Jerome and I were just getting settled in, with the Terrible Two taking the couch and me getting the loveseat to myself. “What’s the movie?” I asked.
“No Country for Old Men.” Jerome answered as the ads played.
“Woah, a movie made after 2000. What’s the occasion?” I asked jokingly.
“Oh, it’s crazy interesting.” Chris piped up enthusiastically. “It’s a great example of a movie that bucks the trend of having the good g-”
Jerome elbowed Chris in the chest, shutting him up. “Don’t spoil.” he told him.
Chris gave him a muted smile. “Right.” he remarked, reaching for the remote to skip the ads and select ‘play movie’ from the main menu. “Here goes.” He gave us a big ol’ grin as the movie began.
It began slowly, but after a few minutes I had to admit the movie was really engrossing. Definitely different than the previous movies, or any movie I’d seen before. I didn’t know how much time had passed before Molly decided to come up from her room and join us.
Chris noticed her first, and gave her a casual, “Hey, Molls.” It was clear he assumed she was just passing through, since she never stayed for movie night. Weirdly, though, she stuck around, sauntering over to the loveseat, to sit beside me.
It definitely wasn’t like Molly to stick around like this, but all the same, it took me a good few minutes to actually look away from the movie to look at her. She was simply smiling at me, and when I looked at her, her smile widened.
I smiled too, albeit in confusion. “What…?” I asked quietly so as to not disturb the other two. Molly said nothing in response and just leaned her head against my shoulder, which was… uncharacteristic of her, to say the least. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that the uncharacteristically giggly and affectionate Molly, the same Molly that never came to movie night, was drunk.
But we were playing by new rules now. She was drunk in front of others, and while I knew what to look for, I wasn’t sure how good of a job she was doing to fool the others. “You okay?” I whispered in a concerned voice, turning my head towards hers. In response, all Molly did was put a finger to her lips, her smile not disappearing. That did nothing to quell my worries.
I looked over at Chris, who noticed both that Molly was still here and she was leaning on my shoulder. As subtly as he could, he gave me an expression, and given Molly couldn’t see my face, I responded with the most bewildered look. I was in a fairly compromising position and at the very least, I hoped Chris knew this wasn’t exactly a regular thing. Then again, I didn’t know if Chris even realized she was drunk, but I bet he could piece that part together.
I turned my attention back to the movie, attempting to wish my situation away, to no avail. Suddenly, out of nowhere my phone buzzed. A text message.
Is Molly drunk?
It was Chris. What was I going to do, lie? I turned to him, waited for his eyes to be on mine, and gave one of those ‘I think so’ nods. Chris made a nervous expression and turned back to his phone.
What do we do?
Oh, Chris. I wished this was a ‘we’ situation, but it was pretty clear this was absolutely a ‘me’ situation. That said, apart from feeling awkward, it wasn’t like Molly was disturbing us. I turned back to Chris and gave him a shrug with the shoulder Molly wasn’t on, then turned back to the movie.
It was clear Molly drank a decent amount right before coming up, because she was beginning to act increasingly drunk as the movie went on. Part of me realized that I was going to have to take her back to her room, but another part of me hated that. I was legitimately trying to spend time with Chris and Jerome here, if nothing else to get away from Molly being the only person in my life, and now here she was, invading my space and needing help. And who was going to help her? Everyone already knew. It was me. Was this the ‘everyone expects me to help’ shit Chris was going on about? It sucked.
Molly kept either nuzzling into my neck or just weirdly shaking her head into it. A few minutes later she started making incoherent laughing noises into my neck. Chris kept giving me sideways glances, no doubt telling me that I should probably do something about her. Eventually, I got sick of the genie being in the bottle and decided to let it out. “You guys mind pausing the movie? I’m gonna take Molly to her room.”
“Sure.” Chris replied a little too quickly, grabbing the remote and pausing the movie, turning to talk with Jerome while I turned to Molly.
I breathed a sigh of relief knowing the two weren’t just going to awkwardly stare at us, and smiled at Molly. “Do you want to go to your room, Molly?” I asked her patiently.
“No.” Molly replied as if she were being such a devious little thing. “I wanna stay an’ watch the movie.”
I didn’t really prepare for that answer. “Well Molly, it is getting kind of late, maybe it would be best to turn in.”
Molly’s smile disappeared. “Why?” she asked me. “Why can’t I have a movie night with you an’ Chris?”
“And me.” Jerome added, turning away from Chris’ conversation.
“No, babe-!” Chris interjected sharply yet quietly. “You don’t understand…”
Molly was getting upset by this point. “Do you guys even want me here…?” she asked in an innocent voice.
Jerome just looked at her. “Well, we know you’re drunk.” he told her gruffly.
Chris squeezed his eyes shut and began to shake his head. I looked frantically between the three parties, not knowing at all how this was going to play out. Molly’s brow was furrowing, and she was getting visibly drunker to boot.
“So what? You’re all just going to fucking judge me?” Molly asked angrily, gaining that ‘drunk composure’ you get when you’re drunk and angry. Pretty soon she’d lose it if no one did anything to diffuse the situation.
“Honey, it’s okay.” Chris tried to soothe her. “We just think that maybe when you’re like this we should try to avoid a… a situation or something.” Chris clumsily worded. I got the impression that normally he was better at this – something about it being Molly made him inherently less sure. Maybe because they used to be closer? All I knew was that this was not the diffusal I was hoping for.
Molly shook her head in disbelief at Chris. Her eyes widened at him, and flared, as if fire was filling them. She was heating herself up, she was building up some kind of rage at him. “You treat me like such a fucking child!” she yelled out of nowhere. “I’m not a child! I’m a person! I’m a human being!”
“You are a person, we know you are.” Chris calmly responded.
“I’m not a child!” Molly repeated. “Why the fuck do you always have to take this high road and judge me for everything I do?!” She abruptly stood up and took the DVD case and flung it clumsily at Chris’ face. Chris, equally awkwardly, defended himself.
“Molly!” I chastised her.
“I hate you.” Molly told Chris grumpily. “I would set you on fire if given the chance.”
Jerome and I exchanged surprised glances. No one knew how the hell to react to this situation, let alone what to do with it.
“I just want you to know that I never cared about you.” she announced, her tone now taking a stance of pride. “You just hate your failing relationship with Jerome so much that you have to get involved in the lives of others to make up for it. Wow, how pathetic.”
Chris’ face turned to one of darkness that I hadn’t seen before. “Don’t fucking bring that up.” he warned her quietly.
“I hate you, Chris.” Molly repeated. And I would set you on fire if giv-”
“If given the chance, yeah.” Chris finished her thought impatiently. “Aaron, get her out of here, now. Carry her if you have to.”
“You always have to feel like you’re in control of everything.” Molly continued. “This is why I stopped caring about you, and this is why everyone in your life stops c-” Molly stopped abruptly when I got up and gave her arm a swift tug.
“Come on, Molly.” I coaxed her. “We should get to your room, huh?”
“Aaron, whose side are you on?” Molly huffed angrily at me. “Are you really – are you really taking Chris’ side?”
I widened my eyes briefly and huffed angrily. “I’m on the side of ‘let’s stop this shit before we say anything nuclear.’ Who’s with me?”
Chris raised his hand sarcastically in response, his expression never changing. Molly seemed unimpressed at my response, but was getting drunk enough to not resist me tugging her away from the other two.
“Aaron’s still fucking me!” Molly called out to Chris as I dragged her away. “He’s still taking advantage of me, and there’s fucking nothing you can do about it. If I could choose to go back, I’d still do it again!” It seemed like she was willing to say just about anything to fuck shit up for Chris. Of course, that meant fucking shit up for me too. “My ex-rapist is still fucking me and you didn’t stop him, some friend you fuckin’ are!” Yup, there it was. “Maybe we’ll fuck right now, and I’m – I’m gonna moan extra loud knowing you can’t do a damn thing about it! Ha!”
“Molly, shut up.” I pleaded as I guided her down the stairs.
“Aaron, we have to have sex.” Molly panted to me, smiling.
“Yeah, we really don’t.” I firmly told her.
“But it’s the only way to get back at Chris!” Molly whined. “We have to, Aaron. We have to!”
“Molly, I get this is hard for you to understand right now, but these are bad ideas.” I grabbed her by the shoulders and said the words slowly, hoping they’d resonate. “You’ve gotten us, and Chris, and yourself, in enough trouble already. You’re going to wake up and hate yourself for this.”
Molly’s expression clouded. “I hate you too.” she angrily told me.
“Saw that coming.” I quipped, releasing her shoulders. “There’s your room. You should really go to bed.”
“You’re an awful, pathetic man. You couldn’t treat me right until you got sexual relations from me.” Molly complained.
“And I live every day knowing that.” I told her, looking away. “Go to bed.”
“I should run away. I should just run away from all of you and all of this and – and fuck you.” she continued. I just stood there, waiting for her to hopefully go into her room and end this nightmare.
No such luck. “Aaron, I’m talking to you.” she angrily told me, trying to grab my shoulder.
I brushed her hand away. “I’m very lucky I’ve been telling Chris everything, Molly.” I let her know. “Because now that Jerome knows, he’s going to have to know everything. Everything I worked towards, everything you worked towards… you’ve just made both of our lives a potential hell. Just to try to upset a guy that cared about you. Yeah, maybe he’s misguided, but what did he ever do wrong? Fucking hell, Molly.”
“Chris doesn’t care. He just needs to be involved in everyone’s personal life and judge everyone and he hurt me, Aaron. He hurt me. Maybe more than you did.”
I sighed. Who knew that ‘forced her to take accountability’ was a greater crime against Molly than any of the potentially dozens of things I did against her? “Go to bed, Molly. And drink some water if you have any. We’ll talk when you’re sober.”
Molly looked at me, stunned at what I assume was, to her, my lack of willingness to understand. “Fuck you.” she muttered.
“Sorry, what was that?” I asked, trying to use my sarcasm to at least enjoy the situation.
“Fuck all of you!” Molly yelled with a force I never knew she had as she stomped into her room and closed the door. Never mind that her volume broke the sound barrier, the shrill way she screamed was instantly burned into my mind. It didn’t help that I could hear her bawling her eyes out as soon as she shut the door.
I sighed. I really wanted to help her, I really did, but there was little I could do for her, especially at this point. Maybe Mira was right, maybe she needed counseling. Or hell, therapy. She sure as hell didn’t need any more alcohol. Giving her door one last solemn look, I began to trudge upstairs. It was pretty darn clear that we’d need to watch No Country for Old Men at another time – movie night was over. I had a funny feeling I was instead going to spend the rest of the night catching Jerome, and to a much lesser extent, Chris, up to date on the misdeeds of both Molly and myself.
This had to end, and this had to end soon. I wouldn’t be able to take much more.
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